all over the place, so this post is too.

summer storm power outage

I was falling asleep last night and got into those crazy, nonsensical, but at the same time deep thoughts that you get pre-sleep. Of course I was too lazy to get out of bed and write them out that night, and today everything is fuzzy. This always happens. So I’ll try and write out what I do remember. 

My thoughts and state of being right now: sad, so sad I didn’t make it back to the states in time to say a proper goodbye to my stepgrandmother. A little heartbroken. I feel like I’m suspended in air, in slow motion, nothing seems real, but everything is the most real it’ll ever get. The concept of “real” vs. “not-real” life. In real life, what weevil-to-grain-ratio is acceptable (if any)? What lizard poop to orange juice ratio is acceptable? Stuff – I want to own as little of it as possible. Will materialism just inch it’s way back?

Dreams: More reoccurring dreams about elevators, and one about winning the Olympics, in figure skating to be exact (I don’t skate, at all, in case you were wondering). The elevator dreams always confuse me, but winning the Olympics was AWESOME.

Basketcasing: Nervous about the future. Nervous about Brazil and surviving there two months on my own with pretty horrible Portuguese skills. Anxiety on careers and life. I want to keep reminding myself that nothing is permanent and that needing time and finding your way is normal. Reminder: to be kinder to myself.

I’m turning 25 soon. People I know are doing some amazing things. What will I do? I need to start building a credit history. I’m glad I’ve never owned a credit card before, but apparently as a full-fledged adult you NEED a credit history. How ridiculous.

Going back to the states: How am I going to not be that obnoxious person that starts every sentence with “when I was in Paraguay…!” when everything important that has happened to me in the last two years has happened here?

Love, or at least practice love, or something like it. I am routinely so disgusted with men. I can’t wait until I am attracted to something again.

Typical volunteer existential crisis: Systemic problems. There is so little we can do here because of them. How long does it take for small changes in individuals to take effect on a larger scale? Example: how can we tell women to not tolerate domestic abuse and get out of that situation if there are no shelters or safeguards besides family for them in place? It’s out of my hands, but I’m an impatient being and always wondering.

Things I don’t want to forget: waking up to the sound of my neighbors’ squeaky well pulley. The frogs croaking at night. Sleeping with the windows open. Cool storm winds blowing the hot air out of my house. The habit of easily & lazily draping an arm around another person’s shoulders or chair. “Habia sido” is apparently a Paraguayan expression. Kush kush kush is the sound you make to scare pigs. The kissing sound is how to scare away dogs. The importance of friends, and girl friends vs. girl hate, specifically.

About Nicole FR

Just an old soul in limbo.
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